Saturday, February 24, 2018

A different me

It’s been awhile. A long while. It took me awhile but I’m back and better than I was.  My life has changed but it’s better. Of course divorce is not something you expect to go through when you get married, but it happens. I have been busy rebuilding my life and my kids. We’ve come out better on the other side.

The boys are growing like weeds! Ryan is 23 and doing amazing! Still going to college and working full time and playing rugby and has a girlfriend Hanna. She’s amazing as well 💜 . Ethan is now 15 and a freshman in high school. We got his definitive diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder in 2015 , but I have generally known since he was 2. He is so smart he loves anything to do with outer space and the universe. He loves the Big Bang Theory.  And he’s so funny... it gets me in trouble because it’s hard to be serious sometimes! Matthew is 11. What can’t I say about this handsome, caring and compassionate young man. He’s an animal whisperer and he wants to save all of them. He is so knowledgeable about airplanes cars and trucks. He loves NASCAR and Monster Jam. He’s in 5th grade and doing well despite his not wanting to go. I’m so very lucky to be their mama.

I can’t wait to start writing about us again and new adventures we have. I will try even though I know life happens ! Glad to be back!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy new year!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

Today is the first day of 2014. I cant believe how fast 2013 went by. I have to say it was one of the most difficult years of my life.  I was blindsided two weeks after my birthday by my husband telling me that he wanted a divorce. The thing is i didnt want the divorce, i still dont.

I have gone out on 2 dates and you know what its not the same. I miss my husband. I love him more than anything. No matter what we went thru i still want him, and only him. The last half of the year had many firsts, the first time we had birthdays without him, the first halloween, christmas and new years. Nothing is the same, it still felt like we were missing something.

I know everyone is saying it will get easier with time, am i just denying everything so i dont have to listen to them? i feel like most of me is missing without him. I still feel like im dying without him. He is not a bad person and hes not a bad man, he just creates difficult times. i love him.  Yes the guy i went out with is nice. but its not him. i want to share everything with my husband not someone else. Yes i know i made mistakes and i know we both did and maybe we didnt handle them well. but i just cant turn it off like a switch. He seems too.

I always ask myself, will i ever get past this, ive loved him for so long. I try and move on without him. but then there is that tug in my heart and the ache in my belly that knows it isnt right. I know its not all my fault or all his, i just wish we could work thru it. And that the second things got tough that it wasnt the choice to end it.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Its all about the changes!

Hi Everyone!!!

i know its been awhile...since August. But we are alive and doing well. As any of you have read, you of have read, its been a tough couple of years for us. My husband was diagnosed with PTSD two years ago, and its been a roller coaster since. Two years ago he mentioned getting divorced but we managed to work it out, and we bought a house and our life was moving in the right direction.  To have the house and both have jobs and everything being have him bring up divorce again one week after my birthday was a shock. 

He served me with preliminary papers in January. Everything was fine, and then a week before Easter the kids told me that my husband had shot a BB gun at them...NO BBS hit the kids!! But he did it because they weren't listening to them.  Then on Easter he pointed a paintball gun at me and turned on the air and wanted to shoot me with it. Well that Monday i got a call from my kids school saying that they were scared enough to get the district and authorities involved if i didn't move to correct the problem. That day my neighbor took me to get a restraining order, I had no choice really , i wasn't even given the opportunity to confront him. 

Of course the first initial restraining order was only for ten days and he wasn't allowed to our house or near the kids or myself, after the ten days was up and the order was somewhat modified but was put in  place till June. 

We had a court date august 1 and the divorce would be final November 1. 

He has come over and things have gone well, and he has also come over and its been a disaster because he wasn't having a good day.

i still love him, and wont turn my back on him. But i didn't do anything to deserve any of this especially my kids. He put our house up for sale in mid august. but me and the kids are still living here and have to deal with people coming for showings. 

He keeps threatening to take me back to court, to have us thrown out but it is ordered by the court that we get to stay here till it sells. .

If he was to ever get us removed we would be homeless and i don't think the court would allow it.

 the other change is that yes its been a tough 8 months since the restraining order but the past few I'm seeing things turn around, and we are accepting our new life. We are doing OK, Yes things are a bit tougher but I'm getting by. and my attitude is you may have knocked me down but if he thought he was going to keep me there he was wrong and i always come out stronger on the other side. I'm excited that I'm able to say that as i haven't ever said that since this is going on. 

till next time friends <3 font="">

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

What a summer!!t

Hey Everyone~

Its been a long time since i last posted! Well as some of you may have read, my husband and i were having some put it easily. Well we went to court on May 2 and nothing really changed. He continues to bully and dictate what he wants done, despite that he moved out. He spent money like a mad man and he also was pushing for us to come to a settlement so he would know how much he would be paying me.

Everything was semi worked out but he still comes over to just dictate and be bossy. Mean while still not sleeping well . He will come over to see penny and he will fall asleep. Don't get me wrong i love him. And i miss him. But sometimes hes a pain in the rear!

In other news...the kids and i are coping well. We haven't had much of  a summer compared to others because for one i don't have a car and for two no money. We went to the beach with the neighbors a few times just to get out of the house and then M's birthday was just last week so we took him to chilis for a special birthday dinner and then on his actual birthday we got a cake and just had the neighbors over. My
husband came over Sunday and picked up M and took him shopping.

Now we are just gearing up for school !!! YAY ! YAY! YAY!

Don't get me wrong i love my kid but being home all summer with nothing really to do and no car...its been a bit overwhelming besides having to deal with all the other crap going on.

E is going into 5th grade and he is going to the middle school which i can see will be a bumpy start! But hopefully he will adapt well to it.

M is going into 1st grade and while I'm very excited for this he is worried about too much writing. LOL! yea  he is in for 11 more years of school,these kids now a days have to buck up.

R is back for his sophomore year of college, and will be playing rugby again starting in September.

Not to much else is going on, im tired of the new england humidity and ready for cooler weather ...and fall all the smells and tastes and sights. One of the things i want to try and do is get to Salem.... Ive always wanted to go there!

Well im off for now!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The ups and downs of my life

Hi All~

So its been a bit since i last wrote but life has been a bit crazy here.As you may have read my husband served me with divorce papers in january, it caught me off guard and out of left field. He moved himself onto the couch and said he was going to move out then stayed because he said he was making it easier for me and the kids. 

Here's the thing, it isnt easier. My husband has ptsd with severe depression and anxiety and panic attacks. My husband i feel is either bipolar 2 or rapid cycling bipolar as one minute hes fine then his depression will hit him out of no where. You never know what the day will bring. He works with a bunch of asses and it really bothers him and causes issues as he is a hard worker and they arent.

Ive been dealing with this for two years. Its not easy. Ive had to take meds myself because its hard for me to deal with all of this. the worrying on if he will kill himself. If hes having an attack and is able to work through it. Wondering how this got triggered two years ago and where my husband went. I try to make things easy for him and as normal as possible. Two years ago he talked about divorce too but we were able to work through it. The silly thing about all of this is, we bought a house and we've lived in it a little over a year before this happened. To finally realize our dream to just have him do this makes no sense.

Hes been not taking his meds regularly. He isnt going to counseling. He was supposed to start an anger management class. all things he should have been doing but wasnt. he goes to counseling through the va and he said the counselor never calls him back or doesnt have an appointment for 3 weeks. thats not helping him. Then the counselor tells him the va can give him all of his meds and then he runs out and they tell him sorry we cant get that one. 

I had to get a restraining order against him on april 1st due to the constant verbal emotional and mental abuse. i have been a victim of domestic violence before and i can say he scared me enough to do it. The same day when the cops had to accompany him to our house for him to get things i sobbed the entire time he was getting his things.
Of course the initial order only lasts 10 days so we went back the 11th, i had it lifted so he could come home, of course he was pissed, and i think more hurt than anything. He ended up being gone the weekend for a paintball thing, but came home stayed 2 nites and then kind of moved out. The kids were home because of spring break so they were here and they were crying etc and he told them he would come and see them later in the week, but he hasnt.

He said he doesnt feel safe at the house he thinks i am going to set him up to go to jail, and thats not what i want i want him to see that he needs help. and that despite his problems i dont love him less, hell im the only one who stays right by his side. i hope we can work it out. Ive just told the kids hes gone for work because he does go away alot. I talked to him today and weve been texting. this man is my life, he saved me and im the only one who knows what he goes through. his family claims they know but they dont ..they arent around on a normal basis. On top of it his mom treats the kids the same but his dad cut them off so they are also struggling with that why they cant see grandpa. 

We are finally getting nice weather, ive done some yard work but nothing compared to what he does. Also we are all settling back since the bombing in boston. while i live 45 minutes outside of boston you could just feel the tension etc. The sad thing is, is i feel sorry for the 19 year old brother, it seems he was brainwashed by his brother, and from the reports i see and hear they are saying he wasnt like that before and his brother had some sort of control over him. The sad thing is that he had his whole life in front of him. try to see it as a parent and think of all he is loosing. He had friends at college, was playing a sport, everyone that knows him cant believe he was part of it because its so out of character for him. as for the older brother well hes another story and i dont feel sorry for anyone except his wife and daughter since it seems they were under his control also.

Monday, March 11, 2013

A few new beginnings

Hi Everyone~

Its been awhile but there has been so much going on. At the end of January i was in a car accident that totaled my car. The hubs was so gracious enough to let me use his car for awhile, but then his ass-hole self kicked in,and wouldn't let me use the car anymore. So since the kids had winter break and i was scheduled off that week it didn't pose a problem. That is until break was over. I couldn't get the kids to school, me to work etc. So I've been off of work since 2/25. I had to transfer the kids from the schools they've been in since we moved here to school closer to the house .They still haven't started yet because we keep getting hammered with snow storms and school keeps getting cancelled. Needless to say the hubs loves to rack chaos into my life and make things more and more difficult.

Also if you haven't noticed we are going thru a separation/divorce. He blind sided me with this news the week after my birthday. Nice guy huh. He is a good guy, this is the second time in 2 years hes done this though and its just chaos. Its been nothing but trouble. I know he has a disease but he cant keep using it as an excuse because things get tough. I have been so depressed its ridiculous. I take 2 anti-depressants, 2 sleep meds, something for anxiety. I have suffered from emotional,verbal and mental abuse for 2 years. Trust me I'm not the one wanting this, he is. But the thing about it is, is that he doesn't care , its like his feelings are on a switch.He can turn them on when things go his way, and when they aren't he turns them off. Its very hard to deal with. He gets counseling at the v.a. but as usual they only see his side of things and he isn't willing to go to couples counseling. During the kids school break there was a small domestic violence issue. He asked me a question i answered plainly ok..and he started yelling and pushed everything off the table and it hit me in  the chest. I didn't call the police because that would just cause more of a problem...who knows how he would act once he was released. Yes he still lives here , why i don't know..he threatens he has other places to go but then doesn't go. RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT PEACE. ITS VERY DRAINING.

Also in other awesome news .....I became an Avon Representative !!!! Its so awesome. I love it. I love making women feel beautiful and i like empowering women. I love that is what Avon is about. I love that Avon is a huge supporter of Breast Cancer and they are also huge supporters of Domestic Violence. If your looking to try Avon you can contact me for samples. I can mail them too you . I also have a website you can visit and order from. The website is  :
 Please find me on facebook under :

Orders placed directly thru my website will be directly shipped to you. I am looking for people to try samples and become Avon LOVERS!!!! Prices are awesome and right now if you order anything thru my website you will receive a free hand sanitizer . Check it out ! Hope to hear from you soon!

Saturday, January 26, 2013

I think i have a black cloud over my head

Hey everyone!

i seriously feel like eeyore! i feel like i have a black cloud that is following me since this summer. in oct i fell down 30 stairs and hurt my knee, then just this past thursday i was in a car accident. everyone is ok, im sore i have neck back head and chest pain. the drs all say its muscular but man it hurts. but we have to wait for the insurance to come and look at the car and decide whats going to happen. as of right now we are down to one car. how fun. then on top of all that excitement we were home last nite getting ready for bed and E said it sounds like its raining. so we are looking for the rain and we walk into M's room and his ceiling is raining. OMG just what we need at a time like this. So as the hubs is turning the water off and punching the ceiling and the walls to see where this water is coming from ..the saying i hear in my head is damn when it rains it pours literally. and its usually this time of year we have bad luck. so people for the insurance for the house wont be able to come out till monday, so as of right now the leak is stopped and M's room is a total disaster. so for now he will have to sleep with me until his room is fixed. what a fricken nightmare! thats all for now !