Hi there All!
I realize i didnt write last week, as i had planned but somethings came up and it kind of took the wind out of my sails. As you know, or may not know i have a daughter that died at birth. I wrote this about her http://piecesofthepepins.blogspot.com/2010/04/very-hard-but-special-weekend.html
When she passed the hospital gave us a memory box. In it is all of the braclets we both had, the blankets, hats etc that they used or had for her. Its been at my moms in michigan because when i got divorced i moved back there and everything i had was there. After my mom passed we couldnt find it at all. I was paranoid. The only memories of my baby girl were gone. Well my mom sneaky as she could be had put it away where it wouldnt get tossed or misplaced. it was in her closet.Thank heavens.Its all i had besides the things in my head and the flashbacks ( trust me i can see every second of that day in my head!) So not long ago my siblings had come upon it and sent it my way. Ever since then i put it in a box in my room as it doesnt get misplaced. It includes not only the things listed above but they took her hand and foot prints, her measurements and we also clipped some of her curly black hair..she had tons you couldnt even tell we did it. I have some pics of her gravesite at the cemetary. Being 21 when i lost her i couldnt afford a headstone, and knew i wouldnt be able to any time in the near future so my mother built a flower box and planted mums in it and then had an angel statue in the center. she also got one of those yard stakes ( the kind you can hang flags or bird feeders from) and found a wind chime that had angels and thats how we marked her spot. i was grateful to her for going there and doing this but she really couldnt understand what i was going thru as she had never lost a child. Well some of you may find this creepy but at the time of michaela's birth the hospital has a group of people that help you when you loose a child. They came in and were with us after she was born. Stayed with us as we held her and tried our hardest to say our goodbyes to this precious girl that we had waited for for 9 months. My dad was in the same state at the time and came as soon as i called and it was very hard for him to see and deal with. After all i was his baby and i was having to say goodbye to my baby. Well you know how you get hospital photos. They do take them even if they child has passed. SHe just looks like she is sleeping. I also had a girlfriend who came up to the hospital and took private photos for us, as she knew what i was experienceing as she had a daughter pass away at 7 months.
I havent seen the pics in years. As i have stated the first 5 years were a killer for me and then it got slowly easier. This year was tough as she would be 13 and no doubt have "bieber fever" ( trust me i would have loved it!!) Well the only ones who had seen the photos besides me, and my mom was my grandmother ..she too had lost a child. Well my grandmother died 1 year and 8 days after my mom. My aunts were the ones in charge of boxing up all of my grandma's things and clearing the hosue etc. Well my aunt is moving and is going thru stuff and had found a box that was my grandmother's things that she has put off going thru. In this box was birth and death certificates( her and my mother did geneology of my grandfathers family so they did have a lot of records) and baby books etc.
Well in this box was an envelope and my aunt who had lost a baby to placenta previa and never saw her baby thought they were pics of him and they werent they were the pics of michaela. The one hospital photo, the pics of her being weighed. me holding her. Again they were never meant for every one. At her funeral we had an open casket but she wasnt yucky too look at she just looked like a baby sleeping. she wasnt purple ,blue or any other color she just looked pink and like she was asleep. My mother wouldnt have done that too me or my siblings as they would have been traumatized forever. SO after looking at them and being traumatized she messages me on facebook and tells me she found them and needed my address to send them. I apologized to her for traumatizing her but explained they were never for everyone. She told me i had to promise not to meltdown when i got them, thats not what she wanted to happen.
Well i got them last tuesday. I ripped the envelope open and stood there and looked, hiding them from brian, as he doesnt really understand it, and the one pic i did have here said he was bothered looking at it. I have to say i did get a little teary at first sight. I came into my room got her memory box out and looked over everything and then placed her pics inside so they wouldnt be lost. Then that nite, really not knowing why i went into my room and took the box out again and looked at everything. touching and holding everything she touched. all the while looking at her pictures. It was like i was torturing myself, why because when i saw her again i truly missed her like it had just happened all over again. Loosing a child is never easy. i called my sister and was sobbing and she said nothing against me but maybe i shouldnt have them because look what it does to me. But she knew its all ill ever have of her. I've had to make my self not go back and keep looking at them. i just had the meltdown tuesday and havent looked again, but it does take some recovery time. I would never want someone i know to experience a loss like that its heart wrenching and devestating. And anything can bring that pain back to the surface i have realized.
In other news i went for an interview for the job in the school district. It went well but as i havent heard and school starts tuesday there i dont think i got it. Oh well back to the drawing board! We toured a preschool and it was great and where we would want M to go if i get a day job or school job. Speaking of M its almost his birthday! He will be 4!!!! OMG.
well thats all for today folks! Have a great monday!
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Friday, August 20, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
A very hard but special weekend.....
Hi Everyone~
I am taking a break from telling you a bit about me to tell you about someone else who is very near and dear to me. I am going to tell you about my daughter. She died at birth. This weekend, May 2nd to be exact would be her birthday. So this post will be about her.
I got pregnant with my second child in august 1996. I was so excited my oldest son was about to turn 2 and i thought and had been told that it was the perfect age range between children. My pregnancy was very different than with R. I had total morning sickness with him. With her nothing. I couldnt wait to find out if i was having a girl or boy.My due date was May 13, 1997. i found out sometime in January( believe it or not this is the only detail i cant remember) that i was having a girl! A GIRL! i was so excited. i was excited not only because she was going to have a big brother, but id have a girl. We started tossing around names and nothing stuck. I already knew that her middle name was going to be after her great grandma, but since she had two, she was getting two middle names. I was huge into the show Dr.Quinn medicine woman, i loved that show, and the main character's name was Dr. Michaela Quinn. I seriously fell in love with it. I had my name. No one really liked it. My mother hated it..but pfft..look at the names she gave us they are all so common and i didnt want a name that there would 7 in her class with the same name. (only after i had her and named her then i started hearing that name become popular the next year) My Nanny was the only one who loved it. i loved it. my pregnancy progressed normally and she was developing right on schedule. it was so fun to be pregnant and have R be a part of it, he would giggle when he would see or feel her kick or turn over. I would go to garage sales and find such cute clothes. I didnt buy traditional girl colors, since im not much of a pink person myself. The only pink thing i bought her was a pink and white dress for her grandmas wedding. It was getting down to the wire and i was getting more and more excited to finally get her here. I was having tons more braxton hicks contractions but then again this was my second pregnancy. As i was in my late 8th month i started going in because i was having contractions, of course they just would keep me and monitor them and then send me home. Her room was done, i had the bags packed i was ready, and i couldnt wait to finally get her here and home and hold her!May 2, 1997 began as any other day would. I had a weekly check up scheduled that day and i got up got R up and gave him breakfast and started preparing for the appt. I did some laundry, swept the floor,and ran a load of dishes. I decided to take a bath, and boy oh boy was Michaela moving , i mean moving! You could see her rolling over, she would kick where you put your hand, she was letting us know i know im going to be poked and prodded today! I had went to labor and delivery that wednesday nite for contractions and i think i actually felt her drop lower. I got to the dr and still up to that point everything was fine. R was being walked around by his dad and i was being called in, to have the normal weight check, blood pressure etc. I got taken to a room and the nurse was asking if i was having contractions or had had any since wednesday. She proceeded to tell me that they would be doing and exam to tell if i was dialated etc. The dr came in and did her exam and said i was 2cm dialated and that she could feel her head in the birth canal because she could push it back up, and said that i could go at any time. She said that since i had been on L&D that week she would like to do an ultrasound to see how much or estimate how much she weighed, and even tho she could tell by the exam to make sure she was in the head down position. AT THIS MOMENT IS WHEN THINGS STARTED TO CHANGE FOREVER....
We went to the ultrasound room she lubed me up and made a pass, said things looked great heart was beating strong and definitely in the head down position. She didnt think i would make it past the weekend . I was so excited that means anytime she would be here! The dr said im going to make one more pass and then send you on your way. This time around she didnt say anything and got really quiet. She said hmmm alot. I was like whats going on? She said im not sure im going to get another dr. she left me in the room for 15 minutes and came back with 3 others. She started again and made another pass. Still no one was saying anything. I was like what the heck is going on. They all just were quiet and looked at me stunned. She said maybe we should call R's dad is he here with you ( and no this isnt my current husband) i was like yes hes walking R around, why do we need him whats goin on. Dr. Ostergaard proceeded to come over to me hug me and hold my hand while the other 3 just sat quiet and said we will tell you when he gets here. Finally they locate him and they tell me that they heard and saw a heartbeat the first time , but the second and third pass, they no longer could find her heartbeat. I was like what are you talking about, shes been moving and kicking, we just heard her heartbeat. They said im sorry but we think she has passed. We have a few options we can go with. I just sat there stone faced. i think i was truly in shock. They said that my options were i could go home and stay pregnant and go into labor myself, or that i could be induced. I was like wait, your not going to try and do anything to see if this is real or save her. And my answer was that even if they did she would have been brain damaged by now, because it had been more than a few minutes since they had seen her heartbeat.i of course called neighbors to stay with R and called my dad who lived an hr away he came right away, i called my nanny and mom, who all were in disbelief. My mom just kept saying over and over, why arent they doing anything, why are they waiting. She then had to tell my siblings who were all upset, but my brothers words stand out the most..why would they just let her go home. to let her suffer more, its already going to be hard enough. And he was only 14. I decided to be induced. They had called tons of people. support people i should say, i cant remember the names but they were people specific to what was going on. They had me a room in the regular ward instead of l&d just in case someone else came in in labor so i wouldnt have to hear a baby when all was said and done.But that sucked because in the room next to me was a month old baby who screamed the whole time. I proceeded to be in a delivery room and was induced. the ward seemed like a ghost town, the only people there were the drs and the nurses, and everytime they came in my room they were so silent and they would just say they were sorry and start crying. Finally i needed to push. MICHAELA CATHRYNN LEIGH was born May 2, 1997 at 8:18 pm and weighed 5lbs 4.7 ozs and was 17.5 inches long. She had gorgeous black curly hair and the longest eyelashes , the laid on her cheek before curling up. she had long skinny fingers. she was beautiful. she was pink and just looked like she was sleeping. they wrapped her up and put a hat on her like they would any normal baby. they brought my dad in who was sobbing. they brought my neighbor in ( her daughter died at 7 months) she took pics for me, of me holding her, this is when i cried. this is when i lost it. This is when i couldnt believe, that this was how it was going to end.my mother kept calling and asking if i had had her yet( i was in cali she was in michigan) she would sob on the phone, she asked if they took her yet, i said no. i wouldnt let them. they bathed her, we put clothes on her, i cut locks of her hair they took hand and foot prints. They had a memory box for me. i just couldnt let them take her. i held her for 8 hrs. finally my mom had called again and said i had to let them. i just couldnt let her go, this was all i was going to get to have of her, i wanted to have this memory of my angel to last me the rest of my life. i wanted to remember every second, every feature, every line ..just everything.When i finally let them take her i made the nurse promise me that they would keep her in her clothes and blankets i didnt want her to get cold. the assured me they would. We arranged for her to be buried in michigan. We flew back to michigan on may 7th and her funeral was May 9th. She was buried in a white eyelet christening gown with an emerald angel pin,pinned to her dress, she had a small teddy bear with an emerald ribbon from our neighbors in cali, my mom got her a pooh bear blanket that we put in her 24 inch casket with angels on the outside. she also got her a small tigger from her brother and a ballerina bear and we also put in her casket a pic of me and her and a pic of me and her brother so she would never be alone. there were so many flowers. we had a small graveside service and my mom forceably removed me so i wouldnt have to watch the rest of what was going to happen. what sucked was that mothers day was that sunday. we went back and i layed on the grass next to her and my mom collected a few flowers from each arrangement to have pressed and made into a wall hanging.
i remember this day like it was yesterday. The first 5 years were a killer than i didnt do so bad for a long time. this year is hard, why im not sure maybe because she would be 13. My sisters and i always talk about what she would be like, what she would like , food wise, music hobbies etc. and for sure how she would love her 3 brothers. so on this weekend of her birthday i remember her, i love her no less than i did the day i had her. I wish every second that she was here,no matter what teenage problems would be happening. The only thing i was ever told was that maybe that was her job to do, that god sent her for that time and she was always meant to be an angel.because healthwise there was no known cause for her death.
i close in saying happy birthday michaela, hope your having fun with your grandma in heaven this weekend, we love and miss you baby girl, love your mom
I am taking a break from telling you a bit about me to tell you about someone else who is very near and dear to me. I am going to tell you about my daughter. She died at birth. This weekend, May 2nd to be exact would be her birthday. So this post will be about her.
I got pregnant with my second child in august 1996. I was so excited my oldest son was about to turn 2 and i thought and had been told that it was the perfect age range between children. My pregnancy was very different than with R. I had total morning sickness with him. With her nothing. I couldnt wait to find out if i was having a girl or boy.My due date was May 13, 1997. i found out sometime in January( believe it or not this is the only detail i cant remember) that i was having a girl! A GIRL! i was so excited. i was excited not only because she was going to have a big brother, but id have a girl. We started tossing around names and nothing stuck. I already knew that her middle name was going to be after her great grandma, but since she had two, she was getting two middle names. I was huge into the show Dr.Quinn medicine woman, i loved that show, and the main character's name was Dr. Michaela Quinn. I seriously fell in love with it. I had my name. No one really liked it. My mother hated it..but pfft..look at the names she gave us they are all so common and i didnt want a name that there would 7 in her class with the same name. (only after i had her and named her then i started hearing that name become popular the next year) My Nanny was the only one who loved it. i loved it. my pregnancy progressed normally and she was developing right on schedule. it was so fun to be pregnant and have R be a part of it, he would giggle when he would see or feel her kick or turn over. I would go to garage sales and find such cute clothes. I didnt buy traditional girl colors, since im not much of a pink person myself. The only pink thing i bought her was a pink and white dress for her grandmas wedding. It was getting down to the wire and i was getting more and more excited to finally get her here. I was having tons more braxton hicks contractions but then again this was my second pregnancy. As i was in my late 8th month i started going in because i was having contractions, of course they just would keep me and monitor them and then send me home. Her room was done, i had the bags packed i was ready, and i couldnt wait to finally get her here and home and hold her!May 2, 1997 began as any other day would. I had a weekly check up scheduled that day and i got up got R up and gave him breakfast and started preparing for the appt. I did some laundry, swept the floor,and ran a load of dishes. I decided to take a bath, and boy oh boy was Michaela moving , i mean moving! You could see her rolling over, she would kick where you put your hand, she was letting us know i know im going to be poked and prodded today! I had went to labor and delivery that wednesday nite for contractions and i think i actually felt her drop lower. I got to the dr and still up to that point everything was fine. R was being walked around by his dad and i was being called in, to have the normal weight check, blood pressure etc. I got taken to a room and the nurse was asking if i was having contractions or had had any since wednesday. She proceeded to tell me that they would be doing and exam to tell if i was dialated etc. The dr came in and did her exam and said i was 2cm dialated and that she could feel her head in the birth canal because she could push it back up, and said that i could go at any time. She said that since i had been on L&D that week she would like to do an ultrasound to see how much or estimate how much she weighed, and even tho she could tell by the exam to make sure she was in the head down position. AT THIS MOMENT IS WHEN THINGS STARTED TO CHANGE FOREVER....
We went to the ultrasound room she lubed me up and made a pass, said things looked great heart was beating strong and definitely in the head down position. She didnt think i would make it past the weekend . I was so excited that means anytime she would be here! The dr said im going to make one more pass and then send you on your way. This time around she didnt say anything and got really quiet. She said hmmm alot. I was like whats going on? She said im not sure im going to get another dr. she left me in the room for 15 minutes and came back with 3 others. She started again and made another pass. Still no one was saying anything. I was like what the heck is going on. They all just were quiet and looked at me stunned. She said maybe we should call R's dad is he here with you ( and no this isnt my current husband) i was like yes hes walking R around, why do we need him whats goin on. Dr. Ostergaard proceeded to come over to me hug me and hold my hand while the other 3 just sat quiet and said we will tell you when he gets here. Finally they locate him and they tell me that they heard and saw a heartbeat the first time , but the second and third pass, they no longer could find her heartbeat. I was like what are you talking about, shes been moving and kicking, we just heard her heartbeat. They said im sorry but we think she has passed. We have a few options we can go with. I just sat there stone faced. i think i was truly in shock. They said that my options were i could go home and stay pregnant and go into labor myself, or that i could be induced. I was like wait, your not going to try and do anything to see if this is real or save her. And my answer was that even if they did she would have been brain damaged by now, because it had been more than a few minutes since they had seen her heartbeat.i of course called neighbors to stay with R and called my dad who lived an hr away he came right away, i called my nanny and mom, who all were in disbelief. My mom just kept saying over and over, why arent they doing anything, why are they waiting. She then had to tell my siblings who were all upset, but my brothers words stand out the most..why would they just let her go home. to let her suffer more, its already going to be hard enough. And he was only 14. I decided to be induced. They had called tons of people. support people i should say, i cant remember the names but they were people specific to what was going on. They had me a room in the regular ward instead of l&d just in case someone else came in in labor so i wouldnt have to hear a baby when all was said and done.But that sucked because in the room next to me was a month old baby who screamed the whole time. I proceeded to be in a delivery room and was induced. the ward seemed like a ghost town, the only people there were the drs and the nurses, and everytime they came in my room they were so silent and they would just say they were sorry and start crying. Finally i needed to push. MICHAELA CATHRYNN LEIGH was born May 2, 1997 at 8:18 pm and weighed 5lbs 4.7 ozs and was 17.5 inches long. She had gorgeous black curly hair and the longest eyelashes , the laid on her cheek before curling up. she had long skinny fingers. she was beautiful. she was pink and just looked like she was sleeping. they wrapped her up and put a hat on her like they would any normal baby. they brought my dad in who was sobbing. they brought my neighbor in ( her daughter died at 7 months) she took pics for me, of me holding her, this is when i cried. this is when i lost it. This is when i couldnt believe, that this was how it was going to end.my mother kept calling and asking if i had had her yet( i was in cali she was in michigan) she would sob on the phone, she asked if they took her yet, i said no. i wouldnt let them. they bathed her, we put clothes on her, i cut locks of her hair they took hand and foot prints. They had a memory box for me. i just couldnt let them take her. i held her for 8 hrs. finally my mom had called again and said i had to let them. i just couldnt let her go, this was all i was going to get to have of her, i wanted to have this memory of my angel to last me the rest of my life. i wanted to remember every second, every feature, every line ..just everything.When i finally let them take her i made the nurse promise me that they would keep her in her clothes and blankets i didnt want her to get cold. the assured me they would. We arranged for her to be buried in michigan. We flew back to michigan on may 7th and her funeral was May 9th. She was buried in a white eyelet christening gown with an emerald angel pin,pinned to her dress, she had a small teddy bear with an emerald ribbon from our neighbors in cali, my mom got her a pooh bear blanket that we put in her 24 inch casket with angels on the outside. she also got her a small tigger from her brother and a ballerina bear and we also put in her casket a pic of me and her and a pic of me and her brother so she would never be alone. there were so many flowers. we had a small graveside service and my mom forceably removed me so i wouldnt have to watch the rest of what was going to happen. what sucked was that mothers day was that sunday. we went back and i layed on the grass next to her and my mom collected a few flowers from each arrangement to have pressed and made into a wall hanging.
i remember this day like it was yesterday. The first 5 years were a killer than i didnt do so bad for a long time. this year is hard, why im not sure maybe because she would be 13. My sisters and i always talk about what she would be like, what she would like , food wise, music hobbies etc. and for sure how she would love her 3 brothers. so on this weekend of her birthday i remember her, i love her no less than i did the day i had her. I wish every second that she was here,no matter what teenage problems would be happening. The only thing i was ever told was that maybe that was her job to do, that god sent her for that time and she was always meant to be an angel.because healthwise there was no known cause for her death.
i close in saying happy birthday michaela, hope your having fun with your grandma in heaven this weekend, we love and miss you baby girl, love your mom
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