Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The ups and downs of my life

Hi All~

So its been a bit since i last wrote but life has been a bit crazy here.As you may have read my husband served me with divorce papers in january, it caught me off guard and out of left field. He moved himself onto the couch and said he was going to move out then stayed because he said he was making it easier for me and the kids. 

Here's the thing, it isnt easier. My husband has ptsd with severe depression and anxiety and panic attacks. My husband i feel is either bipolar 2 or rapid cycling bipolar as one minute hes fine then his depression will hit him out of no where. You never know what the day will bring. He works with a bunch of asses and it really bothers him and causes issues as he is a hard worker and they arent.

Ive been dealing with this for two years. Its not easy. Ive had to take meds myself because its hard for me to deal with all of this. the worrying on if he will kill himself. If hes having an attack and is able to work through it. Wondering how this got triggered two years ago and where my husband went. I try to make things easy for him and as normal as possible. Two years ago he talked about divorce too but we were able to work through it. The silly thing about all of this is, we bought a house and we've lived in it a little over a year before this happened. To finally realize our dream to just have him do this makes no sense.

Hes been not taking his meds regularly. He isnt going to counseling. He was supposed to start an anger management class. all things he should have been doing but wasnt. he goes to counseling through the va and he said the counselor never calls him back or doesnt have an appointment for 3 weeks. thats not helping him. Then the counselor tells him the va can give him all of his meds and then he runs out and they tell him sorry we cant get that one. 

I had to get a restraining order against him on april 1st due to the constant verbal emotional and mental abuse. i have been a victim of domestic violence before and i can say he scared me enough to do it. The same day when the cops had to accompany him to our house for him to get things i sobbed the entire time he was getting his things.
Of course the initial order only lasts 10 days so we went back the 11th, i had it lifted so he could come home, of course he was pissed, and i think more hurt than anything. He ended up being gone the weekend for a paintball thing, but came home stayed 2 nites and then kind of moved out. The kids were home because of spring break so they were here and they were crying etc and he told them he would come and see them later in the week, but he hasnt.

He said he doesnt feel safe at the house he thinks i am going to set him up to go to jail, and thats not what i want i want him to see that he needs help. and that despite his problems i dont love him less, hell im the only one who stays right by his side. i hope we can work it out. Ive just told the kids hes gone for work because he does go away alot. I talked to him today and weve been texting. this man is my life, he saved me and im the only one who knows what he goes through. his family claims they know but they dont ..they arent around on a normal basis. On top of it his mom treats the kids the same but his dad cut them off so they are also struggling with that why they cant see grandpa. 

We are finally getting nice weather, ive done some yard work but nothing compared to what he does. Also we are all settling back since the bombing in boston. while i live 45 minutes outside of boston you could just feel the tension etc. The sad thing is, is i feel sorry for the 19 year old brother, it seems he was brainwashed by his brother, and from the reports i see and hear they are saying he wasnt like that before and his brother had some sort of control over him. The sad thing is that he had his whole life in front of him. try to see it as a parent and think of all he is loosing. He had friends at college, was playing a sport, everyone that knows him cant believe he was part of it because its so out of character for him. as for the older brother well hes another story and i dont feel sorry for anyone except his wife and daughter since it seems they were under his control also.