Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Because things are hard, and tough

Well, things are pretty hard here, which isnt easy to admit. my husband works really hard at work. Im working really hard at my new job. Things are really hard with the kids. On top of the normal stuff my husband goes and helps out a friend. He walks in the door i walk out. there is no down time. To top it off , if E has add/adhd, it makes things hard, there was no difinitive diagnosis when i took him the other day as the dr is waiting for more things from the school. It makes things difficult to deal with the kids, its like they feed off each other. sure some of its normal brotherly behavior, but other times its just down right crappy to deal with. E has a hard time with knowing about consequence, its like it doesnt even matter. When he was small i lived with my gma and she always got him out of time out etc. So he never really got that there is consequence for doing something or what not. SO for example if he gets in trouble for say hitting his brother, and we take his ds away, sure he screams and cries but then hes over it. like it doesnt even matter. We cant find anything that really does anything. we do time out, stand in the corner, take things away. and really its doing nothing. NOTHING. if you ask him after if he understands why he is in trouble he just says "i dont know." Its like its pointless. Im at my wits end. really. It makes things difficult in my relationship with my husband. and that makes me really sad. I know i must sound like a bad person but its the truth. I know that life is easier without kids, you dont have to find someone to watch them you can just leave for the weekend and not worry about it. After living here a year we just now found a sitter. we have yet to use her for going to do something fun, we have only used her to come and stay with the kids when the hubs has to stay late or has an appt and i have to go to work. We realize that we have made a mistake by moving here. yes we are closer to family( they still live 1.5 hrs away) so they are no help unless they have way advance notice.We just have had to many problems to even enjoy anything.

I havent had an easy past. ive mentioned it before. I was a single mom for a long time. Then i met my husband and my life changed. I have had struggles and gone with out, i still do. I just learned to hold everything in. it makes it really hard. I cant say sheesh give me a break or anything because it makes it harder for him and the things that have happened with him after we moved here.

Everything scares me.The thing i want most is my husband and family. I just wish we could catch a break. Yes this job is helping out along with other things. But i still am afraid. I worry every day and every nite. The stress i carry i can feel taking a toll on my body. My heart is full of love but its also heavy. I know nothing is easy and not handed to you, sheesh if it was alot of things would be better. I know everyone has to work hard.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A bit of stomach pain then a trip to the hospital and now a surgery and other fun summer stuff!

Howdy folks!

hope you had a pleasant 4th of july weekend. we went camping it was fun we got a new air matteress and the kids fished and we swam, and we ate some good food. we were pretty much close to a town that had hardly anything. We had our share of spiders, most were daddy long legs...but still theyre spiders, and when they are in the dome part of your tent where the door is and right over where you go in and out it gives you the heebies. we did find a few on the kids pillows or blankets. gross if you ask me.

we came home the morning of the 4th and unloaded the car and relaxed showered etc. and then ate and decided to take the kids to the drive in by the house, and we saw TRANSFORMERS 3 it was an epic epic movie. so so good. it was 20$ a car load for 2 movies but since the hubs had to go to work we only stayed for one. i mean it didnt start till close to 9 and got out after 1130.

a few days later all h e double hockey sticks broke loose....
wednesday nite we ordered pizza for dinner ..nothing unusual and the same almost order to the t. a little bit after eating probably about an hr the hubs stomach hurt and he was in the bathroom for about a half hour. then around 945pm i started getting a sharp pain across the top of my stomach and it was right under my ribs, i just figured it would hurt for a bit. i tried maalox and also laying on my tummy ( like )putting pressure on it would help. NO DICE. i also kept goin into the bathroom either thinking if i got rid of it somehow i would feel better, but nothing . ( gross i know and tmi) so i decided at 1045 i was going to bed but i layed down and couldnt lay on my tummy and couldnt lay on either side. it sucked so i started asking the hubs where the spleen appendix and gall bladder were and hes like not sure go look it up so i did. I couldnt figure it out, i ended up calling the after hrs clinic # and the nurse told me a few things to try and so i did. nothing helped. she then told me after the 3rd call to go to the er. i had to wake the hubs and tell him to go and he said i should probably go to the er by ambulance. so i did . i puked on the way there and then they couldnt really determine anything so they ended up discharging me ..a block from home i got sick again. we came home and slept since we had been at the hospital since 1230 am and it was now 6 am. got sick 5 x times that day, went to follow up with my regular dr and was determined to be gall stones. LAME. got sick 5 x that day and then i just feel nauseous if i try and eat. i went for a surgical consult today and will be having surgery on the 19th to have the gall bladder removed. hopefully ill have no complications. the hubs will probably take tuesday off. the kids are going to the grandparents for mon and tues nite and maybe wednesday. im a bit nervous but ready to get back to normal.

other than that this new england summer has been steamy so far. today we finally had a break in the humidity today but i hear it will be back this weekend. hopefully once im feeling better we can do fun summer stuff.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Its been awhile...5 months to be exact

Hi everyone!!!!

i know its been awhile, the last post i wrote was about the rough stuff going on in the house. Im fairly confident that i want to say those are past but i dont want to say for sure. E was diagnosed with adhd with hyperactivity impulseivity on top of it so we diecided that we would try medication to see if it would help him focus and its helped some but ill see what happens if we can up it in august..hes only on 5mg but i think 10 would be ok, somedays i see that its not working as well and its almost their summer break so im hoping that we wont have too many issues there.

things have been working out well for me and the hubs. he goes to the paintball store on saturdays and works and then every other he goes and plays. hes been able to fix guns at the field and also when hes at the store, and he also in between games he is selling things so its good. it gives him a way to relieve the stress of his work week. its been a good outlet for him.
we havent had many date nites as hes either been on a road trip or i work at nite , then with him doing paintball on saturdays and most sundays i work so it doesnt leave to much time, and when i have days off its usually during the week so its not to easy to go out at nite when he has been working hard all day lately in the heat!
As many of you know this weekend is fathers day....we are going to brian's dads house for a bbq, it should be fun it will be us and then his dad and laurie and then his sis jenn and her kids and her bf and his son, and then a few others, so at least the kids will have plenty of people to play with. while we are there with them we will be celebrating brian's and his sister nikki's birthday as brians is the 24th and nikkis is the 26. should be a good time.

i made brian and his dad almost identical father's day gifts, brian's dads shirt says "worlds greatest grandpa hands down" and there is a space between the words and you paint the kids hands on. brians says the same thing but dad of course. then i got him one other shirt and a pair of shorts and for his bday a pair of shorts and 2 more shirts, he has worn some of his good shirts to work so hes got a dwindleing supply of nice things to wear out :/

on his actual birthday i got a sitter so i can take him to dinner and maybe a movie without the kids. we never do much kid free. i think i can count like 5 times since 2007.

other than that we are just spending time as a family and working. when lame things arent crapping out like the washer ( today) and then my cell phone the other day ..sheesh
hope this finds you all wellll!!!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

When life throws a curveball


Things arent going well in my household. they feel like they are spiraling out of control. I may have stated in some previous post that my husband has ptsd panic/anxiety. hes been diagnosed since springtime. well in the fall things started taking a weird turn. out of no where he said he wanted a divorce. i was beyond shocked. After a few days of going around about stuff and an intervention of sorts, he started counseling. he agreed and said he stayed and proceeded to give me a list of things he wanted . he basically wants me to prove to him that things can and will be different. i thought we have been making progress, ive started the ball rolling on some of the things he asked as they are legal things that take some time and arent ever immidiate.(hes known these things the entire time we have been together, and apparently they have bugged him the whole time and just recently he brings them up and wants something done, and my thinking says for 5 years this is bothered you and your just now saying something? he of course doesnt think ive started to do anything about it and thinks im lying about it.) then on jan 3 he started talking about divorce again, so of course my tears anxiety and panic come out , i cant function i cant breathe i hyperventilate. when i try and talk to him about not giving up he just says no and the only reason he contacts me is because he wants to talk about it and i dont. my heart is devestated. i dont want my family obliterated. he asks me what i want and i say my husband and family. i feel desperate, as i cant support us very well on my income. he has always made more than me. he also thinks ive been ungrateful for the things hes done for our family. He sold his motorcycle to help our family so we could get a house in washington, but it never worked out there. when we moved to the east coast he got rid of his truck without being asked because 1 it wasnt a very good snow vehicle, but i felt bad about it and didnt want him to get rid of it, he said he made a huge mistake. he had camaro also in washington that we couldnt move 3 cars here so he sold it. he recently started aquiring handguns for his hobbie of target shooting, he says he may have to sell those. i really dont ask him to do these things. He also says the reason he doesnt ask me to go along is because the few previous times i complained. Ive asked him to give me the opportunity to try again, he said it makes him leary to do it because he thinks it will be the same. i dont know whats going to happen, im hoping we can repair this relationship. He is so important and changed my life completely. he said he doesnt feel appreciated or that its true.but it so is. i love him with everything i am.

another source of contention is the kids, one possibly has add/adhd and hes really difficult to deal with and he makes the 4 year old act out or causes him to scream for no reason,we both become annoyed with the behavior. we both are annoyed that we are around them all the time with no break, we have no opportunity to have a break and go out together as we dont have family help or any friends here. we moved here for family help, and we dont get it. we realize we should have stayed in washington regardless he didnt have these symptoms, he could have all the things hes given up. he could make tons of extra money. ive said lets go back he says its just to much of a hassle. i dont know what or where we go from here but hopefully we conquer this hurdle together. hes my life.