Wednesday, January 5, 2011

When life throws a curveball


Things arent going well in my household. they feel like they are spiraling out of control. I may have stated in some previous post that my husband has ptsd panic/anxiety. hes been diagnosed since springtime. well in the fall things started taking a weird turn. out of no where he said he wanted a divorce. i was beyond shocked. After a few days of going around about stuff and an intervention of sorts, he started counseling. he agreed and said he stayed and proceeded to give me a list of things he wanted . he basically wants me to prove to him that things can and will be different. i thought we have been making progress, ive started the ball rolling on some of the things he asked as they are legal things that take some time and arent ever immidiate.(hes known these things the entire time we have been together, and apparently they have bugged him the whole time and just recently he brings them up and wants something done, and my thinking says for 5 years this is bothered you and your just now saying something? he of course doesnt think ive started to do anything about it and thinks im lying about it.) then on jan 3 he started talking about divorce again, so of course my tears anxiety and panic come out , i cant function i cant breathe i hyperventilate. when i try and talk to him about not giving up he just says no and the only reason he contacts me is because he wants to talk about it and i dont. my heart is devestated. i dont want my family obliterated. he asks me what i want and i say my husband and family. i feel desperate, as i cant support us very well on my income. he has always made more than me. he also thinks ive been ungrateful for the things hes done for our family. He sold his motorcycle to help our family so we could get a house in washington, but it never worked out there. when we moved to the east coast he got rid of his truck without being asked because 1 it wasnt a very good snow vehicle, but i felt bad about it and didnt want him to get rid of it, he said he made a huge mistake. he had camaro also in washington that we couldnt move 3 cars here so he sold it. he recently started aquiring handguns for his hobbie of target shooting, he says he may have to sell those. i really dont ask him to do these things. He also says the reason he doesnt ask me to go along is because the few previous times i complained. Ive asked him to give me the opportunity to try again, he said it makes him leary to do it because he thinks it will be the same. i dont know whats going to happen, im hoping we can repair this relationship. He is so important and changed my life completely. he said he doesnt feel appreciated or that its true.but it so is. i love him with everything i am.

another source of contention is the kids, one possibly has add/adhd and hes really difficult to deal with and he makes the 4 year old act out or causes him to scream for no reason,we both become annoyed with the behavior. we both are annoyed that we are around them all the time with no break, we have no opportunity to have a break and go out together as we dont have family help or any friends here. we moved here for family help, and we dont get it. we realize we should have stayed in washington regardless he didnt have these symptoms, he could have all the things hes given up. he could make tons of extra money. ive said lets go back he says its just to much of a hassle. i dont know what or where we go from here but hopefully we conquer this hurdle together. hes my life.

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