Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Because things are hard, and tough

Well, things are pretty hard here, which isnt easy to admit. my husband works really hard at work. Im working really hard at my new job. Things are really hard with the kids. On top of the normal stuff my husband goes and helps out a friend. He walks in the door i walk out. there is no down time. To top it off , if E has add/adhd, it makes things hard, there was no difinitive diagnosis when i took him the other day as the dr is waiting for more things from the school. It makes things difficult to deal with the kids, its like they feed off each other. sure some of its normal brotherly behavior, but other times its just down right crappy to deal with. E has a hard time with knowing about consequence, its like it doesnt even matter. When he was small i lived with my gma and she always got him out of time out etc. So he never really got that there is consequence for doing something or what not. SO for example if he gets in trouble for say hitting his brother, and we take his ds away, sure he screams and cries but then hes over it. like it doesnt even matter. We cant find anything that really does anything. we do time out, stand in the corner, take things away. and really its doing nothing. NOTHING. if you ask him after if he understands why he is in trouble he just says "i dont know." Its like its pointless. Im at my wits end. really. It makes things difficult in my relationship with my husband. and that makes me really sad. I know i must sound like a bad person but its the truth. I know that life is easier without kids, you dont have to find someone to watch them you can just leave for the weekend and not worry about it. After living here a year we just now found a sitter. we have yet to use her for going to do something fun, we have only used her to come and stay with the kids when the hubs has to stay late or has an appt and i have to go to work. We realize that we have made a mistake by moving here. yes we are closer to family( they still live 1.5 hrs away) so they are no help unless they have way advance notice.We just have had to many problems to even enjoy anything.

I havent had an easy past. ive mentioned it before. I was a single mom for a long time. Then i met my husband and my life changed. I have had struggles and gone with out, i still do. I just learned to hold everything in. it makes it really hard. I cant say sheesh give me a break or anything because it makes it harder for him and the things that have happened with him after we moved here.

Everything scares me.The thing i want most is my husband and family. I just wish we could catch a break. Yes this job is helping out along with other things. But i still am afraid. I worry every day and every nite. The stress i carry i can feel taking a toll on my body. My heart is full of love but its also heavy. I know nothing is easy and not handed to you, sheesh if it was alot of things would be better. I know everyone has to work hard.

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