So this weekend was a bit unorthodox. The hubs was going to nh to help his friends with some projects and left after work on friday. He is due home sunday(today). Friday seemed to go ok but then out of nowhere M got a fever of 104. The hubs was already in nh and so he just kept texting to see how the situation was going. Friday was a long day, i always cant sleep when something is going on..and the hubs and i both have a hard time sleeping when we are apart. I got up friday at 5 am for no reason, i knew he was leaving that day so maybe thats what was on my mind. Saturday i was up again before 7 due partially to the hubs texting seeing how things were going and then also because M was awake and wasnt feeling well again. I proceeded to work on somethings in our room( straightneng some things ) we dont have any storage of any sort here so its basically trying to find a place for it. I did dishes of course and started some laundry. E seemed to be somewhat listless so i took his temp and he had one of 101. So now i had both kids not feeling well. We mostly watched movies on the movie channels and then watched some on demand. It was really hot here yesterday so i was trying to keep them quiet,calm and cool since they both were running temps. Today i got up early again ( thank goodness the hubs will be home tonite!) and ive done the dishes( there werent much since i havent had to cook much since hes been gone this weekend and the kids are sick) ive continued cleaning and straightnening stuff, cleaned the cat box and also taken the garbage out, given M a bath and put things away in the storage box with all the important files.By the time the hubs gets home i plan on having the kids in bed..he is expected around 8pm or a bit after. Im making lasagna tonite for dinner and having it calm and quiet when he returns so it doesnt seem stressful.
I havent blogged about it much but ever since we moved here..it started in march or april, the hubs has been experiencing panic/anxiety attacks. He went on meds but we found out after a few months on those certain ones they werent working and he was switched. We had some things come up unexpecting in april that just set us back when we seemed to be chugging right along here.But then the set backs happened and then my hours at work got cut back, we had company this summer and then my husband decided to have me quit my job since it wasnt worth the one day a week. I mean i only had 12 hrs in the month of june. So for about a month and a half ive been unemployed which is adding to the stress of things. Its not easy for the hubs. I stay home with the kids and have to take the hit work wise with the kids if they are sick etc, becuase his job is more important. He says i dont contribute to the family financially which to him is bigger than the mom/wife house things i do. It really has me scared about our marriage. I am doing what i can and have been on a few interviews, but he doesnt want me to take the job if it doesnt pay enough etc. I just want a job so it takes the stress off of him financially and we can begin to repair what problems have plagued us. IT has me severely depressed and crying. I love my husband so much, maybe more so than my kids, because in the end after they are grown and gone and have their own lives it will be me and him. But him having to do everything with the attacks takes a huge toll on him. Ive tried my best to make things calm and do what he asks that will help him, but it always doesnt work. We arent people who argue much. But we do more than we ever have. I stress about not finding a job that works for us, i stress about the kids behavior and it causing things for him. I stress about him not thinking im doing anything to find a job. I know he thinks that while hes at work but i am trying really hard. With M only going 3 half days a week to school doesnt leave me any time during the day to get something, so i have to work at nite so he can keep the kids. And as the old addage goes, the kids behave better for everyone else than they do for us. He says its unfair since he goes and does things like going to the shooting range to relieve his stress but i dont get to do anything. Well thats ok im used to it. Ive had a pretty hard life. I think my life only improved since ive been with him. I was married before and i dont think of it as a marriage but as a learning experience of what i didnt want. He was my high school sweetheart and he was fine in the beginning but he became a nightmare shortly after. He did what he wanted ( yes that includes cheating) and was even worse after our daughter died. we got divorced in 2002 but he left long before that in 2001. I had been a single mom for a long time. I met my current husband in 2001 and we started off as friends but finally decided to take our relationship farther. He is an amazing man and i love him so so much. He never had these attacks till the spring and we moved to the east coast. and im hoping that soon things will change and when i get a job he will get some stress taken off of his shoulders. I dont ask or complain too much because it just adds to his stress, he says its unfair but i just think it has to be that way for awhile. I am very insecure because of my past and sometimes think the worst. Thats not always fair to him and i know that. But i couldnt imagine loosing him, and i fear if things dont start going better for us it may come to that, and i feel that could kill me. i dont think i can live with out him. And i cant go thru it again. Before when R's dad and i split up i clung to it but realized id be better off, this time i know it wont be true. Im not as strong as everyone thinks. I get hurt easily and hide it well. And when you have no one to turn too your mind just begins to wander.