Coping....

Hi there All!

I realize i didnt write last week, as i had planned but somethings came up and it kind of took the wind out of my sails. As you know, or may not know i have a daughter that died at birth. I wrote this about her http://piecesofthepepins.blogspot.com/2010/04/very-hard-but-special-weekend.html
When she passed the hospital gave us a memory box. In it is all of the braclets we both had, the blankets, hats etc that they used or had for her. Its been at my moms in michigan because when i got divorced i moved back there and everything i had was there. After my mom passed we couldnt find it at all. I was paranoid. The only memories of my baby girl were gone. Well my mom sneaky as she could be had put it away where it wouldnt get tossed or misplaced. it was in her closet.Thank heavens.Its all i had besides the things in my head and the flashbacks ( trust me i can see every second of that day in my head!) So not long ago my siblings had come upon it and sent it my way. Ever since then i put it in a box in my room as it doesnt get misplaced. It includes not only the things listed above but they took her hand and foot prints, her measurements and we also clipped some of her curly black hair..she had tons you couldnt even tell we did it. I have some pics of her gravesite at the cemetary. Being 21 when i lost her i couldnt afford a headstone, and knew i wouldnt be able to any time in the near future so my mother built a flower box and planted mums in it and then had an angel statue in the center. she also got one of those yard stakes ( the kind you can hang flags or bird feeders from) and found a wind chime that had angels and thats how we marked her spot. i was grateful to her for going there and doing this but she really couldnt understand what i was going thru as she had never lost a child. Well some of you may find this creepy but at the time of michaela's birth the hospital has a group of people that help you when you loose a child. They came in and were with us after she was born. Stayed with us as we held her and tried our hardest to say our goodbyes to this precious girl that we had waited for for 9 months. My dad was in the same state at the time and came as soon as i called and it was very hard for him to see and deal with. After all i was his baby and i was having to say goodbye to my baby. Well you know how you get hospital photos. They do take them even if they child has passed. SHe just looks like she is sleeping. I also had a girlfriend who came up to the hospital and took private photos for us, as she knew what i was experienceing as she had a daughter pass away at 7 months.

I havent seen the pics in years. As i have stated the first 5 years were a killer for me and then it got slowly easier. This year was tough as she would be 13 and no doubt have "bieber fever" ( trust me i would have loved it!!) Well the only ones who had seen the photos besides me, and my mom was my grandmother ..she too had lost a child. Well my grandmother died 1 year and 8 days after my mom. My aunts were the ones in charge of boxing up all of my grandma's things and clearing the hosue etc. Well my aunt is moving and is going thru stuff and had found a box that was my grandmother's things that she has put off going thru. In this box was birth and death certificates( her and my mother did geneology of my grandfathers family so they did have a lot of records) and baby books etc.

Well in this box was an envelope and my aunt who had lost a baby to placenta previa and never saw her baby thought they were pics of him and they werent they were the pics of michaela. The one hospital photo, the pics of her being weighed. me holding her. Again they were never meant for every one. At her funeral we had an open casket but she wasnt yucky too look at she just looked like a baby sleeping. she wasnt purple ,blue or any other color she just looked pink and like she was asleep. My mother wouldnt have done that too me or my siblings as they would have been traumatized forever. SO after looking at them and being traumatized she messages me on facebook and tells me she found them and needed my address to send them. I apologized to her for traumatizing her but explained they were never for everyone. She told me i had to promise not to meltdown when i got them, thats not what she wanted to happen.

Well i got them last tuesday. I ripped the envelope open and stood there and looked, hiding them from brian, as he doesnt really understand it, and the one pic i did have here said he was bothered looking at it. I have to say i did get a little teary at first sight. I came into my room got her memory box out and looked over everything and then placed her pics inside so they wouldnt be lost. Then that nite, really not knowing why i went into my room and took the box out again and looked at everything. touching and holding everything she touched. all the while looking at her pictures. It was like i was torturing myself, why because when i saw her again i truly missed her like it had just happened all over again. Loosing a child is never easy. i called my sister and was sobbing and she said nothing against me but maybe i shouldnt have them because look what it does to me. But she knew its all ill ever have of her. I've had to make my self not go back and keep looking at them. i just had the meltdown tuesday and havent looked again, but it does take some recovery time. I would never want someone i know to experience a loss like that its heart wrenching and devestating. And anything can bring that pain back to the surface i have realized.

In other news i went for an interview for the job in the school district. It went well but as i havent heard and school starts tuesday there i dont think i got it. Oh well back to the drawing board! We toured a preschool and it was great and where we would want M to go if i get a day job or school job. Speaking of M its almost his birthday! He will be 4!!!! OMG.

well thats all for today folks! Have a great monday!